"If You Loved Me..."

Every relationship has rules, the problem is; none of us choose these rules, and most the time the rules are not verbalized to ourselves or our partner. In my relationship with Lynda I have a rule that says, “if you love me you will not repeat yourself.”  The first time my wife tells me something that bothers her or even tells me something she needs, or shares a story about her own life, I am happy to hear it.  However, when I hear a request, a story, or a need repeated 2, 3 or 4 times I find myself getting angry. 

My internal dialogue starts up; What? Does she think I am stupid?

When I rationally think about it I am sure that’s not what she means but emotionally I feel violated. 
For Lynda she has a rule that says; if you love someone it is alright to confirm information, or to process something as many times as one needs to feel better. “I am an auditory person so I am processing out loud.”   Hence when I cut her off or let her know I already heard that story she feels hurt. 
Where did these rules come from? Most likely my rule came from feeling nagged at by parents or teachers. While for Lynda her feelings come from not being heard in her family.  Neither of us has ever set down and created these rules, they are formed by our experiences.  And neither of us have ever sat down and talked about what rules we carry into the relationship.

This exercise will help you do both;  make your rules clear, and express your rules to your partner. 
Think over the fights or disagreements you have had in the past, and then think of the rule. In your head it will sound like this; “If you loved me you would…”

Once you have completed the assignment, go on the blog and share what you have discovered.  There you will also hear about other people’s rules.  http://www.abetterrelationship.net/yourthoughts.html
Change the rules and find a way to blend your rules by setting an appointment. http://www.appointmentquest.com/provider/2040034130